Did you know prenatally?

I get this question from time to time. So, for those of you who have wanted to ask and never did... here goes...

No. We did not know prenatally. I am glad we did not know. Before we had the prenatal testing we discussed what we would do if the tests determined there was a problem. We both agreed we would do nothing and we would continue with the pregnancy and love the baby regardless. I am sure that is what most people say before they go in for prenatal testing. Before they are faced with facts and statistics. Before they are asked by presumptions doctors "when should we schedule the termination?". Before they are painted worst case scenario pictures as the norm. The truth is... I don't know if we would have continued the pregnancy. I like to think that I had enough love and maturity in me but I honestly don't know.

I am sure this is not the "popular" thing for anyone to say but this is my blog with my thoughts, if you don't like it, you are free to click that little x in the upper right corner of your browser

I was a totally different person before I had Zachary.

Chris and I were a totally different couple. That extra chromosome changed me to my core. I don't know if the person I was before would have accepted this. Before I had this little pink person staring up at me. This person that needed nothing but love from me. This person that had shared my body for 40 weeks and I had grown to love so deeply. At 18 weeks when I had that screening done, I hadn't yet felt his first little flutter. I didn't know that he was a he. I didn't know what his name would be. I had no idea what it would feel like to stare at your child and feel that overwhelming love the moment they come out of your body.

I was busy making wedding plans and adjusting to quitting smoking and drinking wine and coffee. While Chris and I were very much in love and planning to get married, I got pregnant quicker than we expected so we pushed the wedding up a little bit. I don't know that we would have felt secure enough in our relationship, or in ourselves in general, to accept something like this. I am ashamed to say that I was that annoying teenager that made jokes about the short bus. That didn't know people with disabilities. Like really know who they are. Sure I may have been cordial in passing but I didn't take the time to really know who they were. At my school the special ed class was grossly removed from the rest of the students and I rarely saw any of them let alone know their names.

I don't know if that person would have accepted this.


In looking back on our AFP test results I think there should have been some red flags raised. My OB during my pregnancy was in a group of 6 doctors. I saw a few of them throughout my pregnancy due to my doctor being out often dealing with some family emergencies. At the routine appointment following the screening I was told that the results were "normal" and it was never discussed again. At our "big" ultrasound I was around 20 weeks into my pregnancy and all of his limbs measured slightly short - around 18 weeks. I have learned with pregnancy there is about a 2 week 'give-or-take' cushion so his limbs measuring 2 weeks behind was not cause for alarm. At my postpartum follow up I met with the doctor who delivered Zach. The one who after Zach was born said there was no way he had Down syndrome. I told him that the tests confirmed that he did in fact sport the extra chromosome and he pulled out my AFP results and said they were around 1 in 350. How that wasn't an elevated result is beyond me? Based off my age (25 at the time of the test, 26 when he was born) "normal" should be around 1 in 800.

Begin rant
Personally, I think the AFP screening is a huge waste of blood (and I told my OB that when I was pregnant with Hannah). I strongly urge everyone I know to not waste their time on that test. I have heard of so many people getting elevated risk factors, stressing out for nothing, all for their baby to have the correct number of chromosomes. I have never heard anything good come of this screening.
End rant

Anyhow, my theory is that with everything going on with my doctor, something slipped through the cracks with my results. Or maybe some higher being knew how much I needed Zach and knew that our plan was to not know until birth.