Lately I have been wanting to put my memories of Zachary's Birth on "paper", so that the memories are documented somewhere forever, other than my mind. 4 years have gone by and I don't want to forget anything from that joyous time.
My due date for Zachary was originally June 20th. When I switched OB's at the beginning of my pregnancy, she changed it to June 19th according to her calendar. I always used June 20th because that year, June 20th was Fathers Day and that was just cool to me. It dawned on me recently that being that 2004 was a Leap Year, that is probably why the day was off one day.
I was convinced that Zach would come late. After all, all first baby's come late right? He always measured a couple weeks behind as well. I stopped working sometime in late May, more out of laziness than necessity. I had everything washed and ready to go. His room was perfect. All his clothes were organized and clean as can be. I read all the books. I never touched coffee, or any of the other horrid things they tell you to stay away from when you are pregnant.
We went to the childbirth preparation classes at the hospital I was going to deliver at. We didn't pay attention as much as we probably should have. Part of my Birth Plan was that I was going to get the epidural. I said I would try for natural, but deep down, I knew I would get it.
Thursday June 10th I started having contractions. They weren't too intense or regular, but continued over the next couple days. Saturday morning (June 12th) I woke up around 1 or 2am and sat up. I thought I was going to either throw up or pass out. Everything was spinning. I woke Chris up. He was concerned. Asked if we should go to the hospital. We called the on call doctor at my OB. I told her I had been having contractions for a couple days and how I was feeling.She told me that I was just reacting to the pain of the contractions and it was nothing to worry about. To come to the hospital if the contractions get at least 1 minute long and 3-4 minutes apart. I went back to bed. It wasn't easy. Every time I put my head down on the pillow or turned to the side, everything spun.
The next morning we got up early because Chris had a soccer tournament up in San Francisco. He had been looking forward to this tourney for months. He told me he wasn't going to go. I told him he was. I was fine and he should go. He got ready. I went downstairs to the couch where I planned to spend my day. Everything was still spinning. Chris went and told our neighbor what was going on with me and that if I had any problems, I may come over. She was having a garage sale and would be outside all day anyway. I called my mom who starting packing her bag to come up. She was convinced it was almost time. My grandmother came by to check on me and we sat and talked. I was still having contractions, but no better or worse than they were on Thursday. My mom arrived Sunday.
Monday morning, June 14th, my mom came over after Chris had gone to work. All I really wanted to do was lay around but she made me get up and shower and go out with her. We went and had breakfast. The contractions were getting worse. After breakfast, we went to the store. My mom stocked our freezer full of meals while I was in the hospital, so we were getting all the food for her to cook. At the store, I was having to stop and really breathe through the contractions. We got home and I finally started timing them. Chris got home from work about 5:30pm and when he walked in the door my mom said "We're having a baby tonight!". We both kind of rolled our eyes at her. I was still convinced Zach would be late and we still had 5 days til his due date! We ate a huge dinner. Steak and baked potato. My mom went back to my grandmothers for the night. Chris and I went for a walk. I was stopping every couple minutes for contractions, but still nothing that I felt alarmed about.
We were sitting on the couch and about 9:30 I started crying a little bit. The pain was bad. Chris said "let's go, we are going to the hospital"... I said "no"... in my head, this couldn't be real labor, yes it was painful, but it had to get worse than this. And, we had been timing and recording my contractions for hours and they never got to where they needed to be. One would be 90 seconds long, the next would be 30 seconds long. One would be 1 minute apart, the next would be 5 minutes apart. They weren't as consistent as they said in the class! In my head, I didn't want to go spend hours at the hospital getting checked and monitored, just to be sent home and then Chris would be tired the next day. About 9:45pm I had to go pee. When I wiped, there was a little bit of pink on the toilet paper so I thought maybe we should head to the hospital. I finished packing my bag and we hopped in the car. We had a nice drive over. We joked about how they were going to either send us home, or hook me up to pitocin to speed things up. I called my mom as we were driving over. Told her I would update her but that it probably wouldn't happen tonight.
We got to the hospital at about 10:45pm on Monday night. Went to the desk and told them I was in labor. They got me in a room and checked me. The nurse said I was 5-6cm. But she wasn't positive so she had another nurse check who said I was 6-7cm. I told them I wanted to put my order in for an epidural right then. Lucky for me, it was shift change, so yet another nurse sticks her hand up there. She also agrees with the 6-7cm estimation. We call my mom and tell her to come. It was going to happen tonight. The pain was getting really bad and the contractions were really close together. Probably around 11:30 or so my doctor broke my water. Then they were really bad. The nurse told me there was an emergency so the anesthesiologist had to go there first and would come to me next. I was screaming and crying. Chris told me to concentrate on my breathing like we learned in the classes. I told him that "the f*#$ing breathing didn't work"!! Everything was still spinning if I put my head on the pillow or turned my head to either side.
Jesse James was on Jay Leno.
The nurse came in again and I asked her where the drugs were, she said he would be there as soon as he could. I told her to promise me that I would get it. She promised. Around 12:30am the anesthesiologist finally showed up. Chris said he was going to get my bag out of the car, he was not going to watch them put a needle in my back. The drug guy asked how far along I was. They checked me. She told him 10cm. He picked up his stuff and said he wasn't doing it. My nurse looked at him and said "you don't understand, yes you are". They made me sit on the side of the bed and push out my back. I asked if I could lay down while they did it. The contractions hurt too bad to sit that way. He said No. I sat up. He wiped my back down and I felt the urge to push and I told him to just go away. Chris came back and I was in pushing position. Told him I couldn't get it. I pushed a couple times and they saw the head. The doctor wasn't there yet so they told me to stop pushing. "Are you f*#$ing kidding me? Stop pushing?" They held my legs down so I couldn't push. A couple minutes later and the doctor was there. I don't remember how many pushes it took, but I would bet it was less than 10. I wanted to feel his head as he was crowning, just like all the moms did on "A Baby Story" that I watched way too much of while I was pregnant. Everyone in the room freaked out when I reached down there. They (especially my mom) seriously thought I was going to try and rip him out. To this day that is what she thinks.
At 1:18am on Tuesday June 15th my baby boy had arrived. He was a perfect 7 pounds 9 ounces, 20 1/2 inches long. They lied him on my chest for a minute and then took him over to the warmer. I think I heard the nurse say his Apgars were 8 and 9, but I honestly don't remember. Chris went over with him and watched all the fun cleaning stuff. He still vividly remembers them sticking a tube into his lungs and suctioning things out. I am glad I didn't see that. We got to hold him for awhile in our room and take pictures and then they took him to the nursery. Proud daddy never left his side. They did his bath and foot prick and all that other right out of the womb stuff.
Once they brought him back in to me it was probably 4am. Chris fell asleep on the pull out chair. I just sat and looked at him and talked to him. We tried to nurse but we just couldn't get it. I told him we would try again later. He lifted his eye brows at me, as if to say "ok mama". He was asleep. I just stared at him. I remember thinking his eyes looked funny. I figured I just didn't know much about newborns and they all looked that way. I slept for a little while with him in my arms.
The day was beautiful. We had lots of visitors. Everyone oooh'ed and aaah'ed over him. I was in no rush to go home. Tuesday night he stayed in our room with us. Wednesday morning they thought he looked a little jaundice and they were going to put him under the bili lights. I was upset, but they assured me it happened all the time. Wednesday morning he also had his circumcision. His pediatrician came in and told us he did great, slept through the whole thing. I still had the spins and finally a doctor said it was likely that I had Vertigo and he gave me some nasal spray. It didn't help and didn't go away for about 2 weeks, but it didn't much matter anymore. Late Wednesday evening they told me that the jaundice was getting worse and they wanted to keep him under the lights overnight in the nursery. I was distraught. I couldn't believe that something could be wrong with my baby and he had to stay the night away from me. I cried. A lot. My mom and grandmother were there and told me it was going to be ok and that it happened all the time. We tried in the nursery to nurse and we still had no luck. They had me pump. The nurses couldn't believe how much milk I had. At least he was going to be able to drink my milk.
Thursday morning, after his pediatrician did her rounds and checked on him in the nursery, she came in to talk to us. She said his circumcision looked great and was healing nicely. She said that his jaundice was not improving, but not worse. She said she heard a slight heart murmur and was having the pediatric cardiologist come see him later that day. As she walked out the door to leave, she said "we are also running some tests because we have noticed some features..." With that, she was out the door. EXCUSE ME??? We yelled after her. She came back in. "Features of what?" "Down syndrome...... a social worker will be coming to talk to you" "What features?" From what I remember (at this point I had gone partially deaf and completely numb) she told us he had features such as the heart murmur and Asian looking eyes and since neither of us are Asian, it was cause for concern. With that, she was gone.
I cried. I just wanted to go to the nursery and see my baby. My precious baby that this crazy woman was saying these cruel and obviously wrong things about. I had to go see him. He was perfect, how could they think anything other than that?
I remember saying that I did everything right, which I had. In my head, I thought it was impossible and she had to be wrong. After all, my tests all came back "normal". I felt guilty for possibly giving my husband this damaged child. I thought he would hate me for doing this. I apologized. I said that I would go through that painful labor 10 times over just to take this away.
I have never said this out loud to anyone, but I remember thinking 'what would happen if I just walked out of here and never looked back, would people just forget that I was ever pregnant, could I ever forget'. That feeling lasted maybe 3 seconds. It was never possible, but something that did cross my mind.
Zach got to come into our room for awhile before going back under the lights in the NICU. While he was in there, my OB came by to check up on me. I was still crying. I told him what they told us. He looked Zach over and said there was no way he had Down syndrome. He looked for the
Simian crease , which Zach does not have. He looked for a few other things too. I valued his opinion, after all, he had been delivering babies for probably close to 40 years. He would know right?!
They told us that it could take 2 weeks to get the chromosomal testing back. The head doctor of the NICU called in a favor at Stanford to get preliminary results as quickly as possible.
Because I was being discharged on Thursday, they had to move him to the NICU. I guess a baby can't stay in the nursery after the mom is discharged. The wonderful nurses let me stay in my room until late Thursday night. It wasn't busy and my insurance pays for 2 days.
We met with the cardiologist who pointed out more features. Every one of them I had an excuse for. Heart murmur, Chris has a heart murmur. Sandal gap, Chris must have weird toes. Slanted eyes, Chris has fairly small eyes. This brilliant gentle man pointed out imperfection after imperfection and I fired back with excuses. After the cardiologist was done examing Zach with his portable ultrasound machine, he talked to us for awhile. To be honest, I don't remember much of anything he said. I was in such a fog by that point.
The nurses in the NICU told us there was a parent room that we could stay in that night since I was being discharged. We went back and cleaned up our room and I was discharged. We had decided we would run home, shower, eat dinner, get some clothes and come back for the night. They put me in the wheelchair and had to wheel me out of the hospital. Without my baby. I sobbed the whole time. That was the most painful thing I had felt. The pain of labor didn't even stand a chance against the pain I felt in my heart. I felt like a failure. I felt incomplete. I felt empty.
We came back to the hospital and sat with him. We couldn't hold him too much, only for feedings. He had to stay under the lights. We did his feedings every 3 hours. I pumped every 3 hours. We changed his diapers through the holes of the incubator. That took some getting used to. We slept on pull out chairs in the parent room. Try that after giving birth!
Friday was about the same. Feeding and pumping. Stayed in the parent room.
Saturday morning Chris' dad and step mother arrived. We were all in the parent room when they called us into the NICU. The doctor told us what I think we already knew at that point. His tests were back. He does have an extra chromosome. I remember her saying that if you were going to have a child with a disability, this is the one you want. There is so much they can do, but he will never play any kind of contact sport. That was all I heard her say.
We walked out of the NICU doors and instantly embraced each other and just sobbed. For a long time.
At that point, we just wanted to take our son home. We had been waiting on blood tests to see if his jaundice levels were good enough and lucky for us, they were. Saturday afternoon we finally got to pack him up and take him home, on his due date. We spent our first night at home, as a family. We woke up the next morning and Chris got to spend his first Fathers Day home with his son.
Zach in the NICU with his shades on:
